bad first dates, part III.
Sigh. That’s me writing this. I am SIGHING. This next BFD physically pains me because it was atrocious from start to finish. Let’s get on with it.
The one with the 2-for-1 special
The year is 2018. Prince Harry + Meghan Markle were engaged to be married. IHOP had briefly rebranded as IHOb. People were eating tide pods. Ultraviolet was the Pantone color of the year.
I met Trent* on a dating app. He was handsome in his own way, had a good job, new goldendoodle puppy - a ‘classic southern gentleman’, he said. He was very kind, asked great questions and was quite engaging. We talked on the phone a few times and decided it was time to go on a date. It was hockey season, so I suggested we go to an Eagles (minor league) hockey game. I’d learned he played hockey all through middle school and high school, so that seemed to be a date right up his alley (which gained me a gold star right out of the gate).
In the days leading up to our date, we talked about a plethora of things about our lives including his work, my work, his fascination (bordering obsession with bodybuilding), our lifestyle choices, etc. Two of which will be helpful to refer back to as the story progresses.
First — I don’t drink alcohol. Many of you know this, but for those of you who don’t — I have never had a sip in my life. There are a few reasons why, but they mainly stem from a sheer lack of desire coupled with a desire to keep my judgment intact. I tend to let guys know early on that I don’t drink and their reaction usually says a lot about them. Some admire it and/or don’t drink much themselves (if at all), so they’re cool with it. Most are ‘social drinkers’ and don’t seem to mind as long as I “don’t make them stop”. And some drink very frequently, with a select few being so vehemently bothered by my not, they tell me I’m boring and drop me like a hot potato. But hey, to each his own! Anyway – Trent fell in the category of a ‘social drinker’ and said he rarely drank and really admired my not drinking. He said he could tell I was wholesome; he respected my choice and to honor that, he said he voluntarily wouldn’t drink around me “as a courtesy”. I thought that was very kind, and gave him a proverbial gold star myself.
The next thing you should know is that Trent was very vague about his time in the south. Whenever I asked about it, he just said he was grateful to be in Colorado and a job opportunity had relocated him here 4 months prior. He said he loved it here and didn’t plan to leave, but the Lonestar state would always have a piece of his heart.
Fast forward to the date. I am looking CUH-YOOT. Earlier that day he’d asked if he could pick me up, since that’s ‘how he was raised’. I said yes and gave him my address. Next thing I know, he texts me that he is 5 minutes away, I do a final hair check and the doorbell rings. GAME TIME.
Initial observations:
He came to the door instead of texting me “here”. Oh, okayyy.
He looked even better in person than his pictures. Oh, okayyy.
He had a slight southern drawl. Oh, okayyy.
He shook my dad’s hand firmly. Oh, okayyy.
He hugged my mom and told her how beautiful our home was. Oh, okayyy.
This guy was checking off boxes left and right and I was admittedly feeling a little smitten. After some introductory small talk, we decided it was time to get going. He promised my family he’d keep me safe and said he hoped see them again real soon. Oh okayyy.
We walk outside and there’s a white Mercedes parked in our driveway. It was parked like it was on display at a car show — at a diagonal, half on our driveway, half on the sidewalk. Little odd, but okay. He suavely opens my door, and we’re off!
About 40 minutes later we pull up to the arena. People are PUMPED, the energy infectious. We walk in, get our tickets from will-call and find our seats just in time to catch the national anthem. The song ends, everyone cheers. I’m feeling less nervous and more excited. The game starts and we score within the first minute. The crowd ROARS, everyone is high fiving everyone — the night is off to a triumphant start! 🏒
About 7 minutes into the game, Trent says he has to use the bathroom. While he was away, the couple sitting next to me, Matt and Jenny* (who I’d guess were in their late 30’s) introduced themselves. Jenny said we were a cute couple and I said thanks, mentioning we were on our first date. Shocked at that realization and giddy on my behalf she said, “OH MY GOSH! The chemistry is so strong! You are such a gorgeous couple, best wishes to you!” She nudges Matt (who was sitting next to me), “Honey, they’re on their first date!” At that moment, Trent returns and much to my chagrin, he’s holding a beer. Beaming, he says, “I couldn’t resist! There was no one in line!” I thought he said he wouldn’t drink around me? Maybe he is nervous? It’s just one beer. We’ll see what happens.
Trent sits down, it’s a timeout. In that moment, it’s clear to me that Jenny and Matt had pre-gamed and were already one sheet to the wind. Matt asks Trent, “Hey man, what’re you gonna do when they put the kiss cam on and I pretend to kiss your girlfriend here?!” Oh no. Please no. Trent replies, “No worries, bro. I’ll just pay it back with your lady over there.” They all laugh. I’m fake laughing like Hahaha, plz stop. Anyway. The game continues. We score again. The crowd goes wild. Matt and Jenny are high fiving us now, Trent is getting pumped. A fight breaks out on the ice. I’m into it now too (because let’s be real, the fights are the best part). I glance over and Trent has already finished his beer and I feel a sigh of relief thinking maybe he really was nervous and that was just to take the edge off, searching for the silver lining and thinking it’s at least good he chose to libate early into the game. The first period ends and Trent decides he wants some fries before the next period and as we stand up, Matt decides he wants to go get another beer and says he would go with Trent. I didn’t know this was a double date, but okay!
Jenny and I are chatting about our jobs when the guys return. I turn to stand up to let Matt past, when I realize he is holding 3 beers in his hands…. and so is Trent. 6 more beers have now entered the chat. Jenny grabs two from Matt. Matt grabs one from Trent. Which now means, they each have 2 beers. Trent looks at me, “He made me! There was a promo on 2-for-1 beers because we scored 2 in the first period!” He is laughing. Matt is laughing. I smile while I’m internally starting to realize this is more of a frat party than a first date. LOL. 😅
During the break between periods, Trent tells me how happy he is that we’re on a date. He put his hand on my knee and began asking me questions about my week, talking and people watching. Beers aside, we were having a great time. The 2nd period starts and the other team has yet to score. I’m texting my mom and my friend about how the date is going. I let them know about the beers. They’re slightly worried for me, but glad I’m having a good time. I tell them I’ll keep them posted.
A couple of minutes pass and I realize that Trent is on his 3rd beer already. He again has to pee. He asks if I want anything, and I ask for a water. He chugs the last of his beer, puts the cup in the stack growing underneath our seats and stands up. Matt wants to go with him again, but that’s actually okay because I was enjoying my time with Jenny and liked chatting with her. She mentioned they had their seats as season ticket holders through Matt’s work, and that one of his co-workers and his girlfriend would be coming to say hi. We looked around the rink for them, spotted them, and Jenny waved them over. If you think they came over with complimentary beers from the 2-for-1 promo for Matt and Jenny, you’d be right. Except Jenny is done drinking for the night, she has to be the DD. They offer me one, I decline. This now means our cup holders are filled with more beers for Trent and Matt. 4 more, to be exact. When the guys return, Matt is clearly now two sheets to the wind and he is PUMPED to see his friends, and even more pumped that they came bearing brewskies. 🍻
The game starts again, the friends return to their seats, and we play chair tetris to get seated again, working not to spill the plethora of new beers taking residence in our area. Trent gives me my water and has one for himself too. He guzzles the entire water bottle in 10 seconds. At this point, I’m not even focusing on the game, I’m trying to keep the chairs balanced between the jumping so that beer doesn’t spill all over us and our shoes. My eyes turn to the 3 extra beers still in Trent’s custody. I thought he’d maybe give them away or maybe he’d just leave them there. I thought for sure he wouldn’t drink them given his exclamation prior to our date about not drinking around me as a courtesy. I’m perplexed because I’m slightly uncomfortable and don’t want to say anything or come off as a nark. I’m torn because I like him so far, but I’m not into the excess drinking. During my pep talk with myself, I resolve that I will not let him drive me back home and I’d see how he lets the rest of the date play out. He’s holding my hand now, putting his arm around me. The game is actually quite good, so I immerse myself back in the sport and pay no mind to my increasingly tipsy date.
Fast forward to nearing the end of the 2nd period. We’ve scored 2 more goals. The Eagles are on fire and have won free tacos for the entire arena. The other team has yet to score, shaping up to be a clean sweep if we can play good defense in the final round. Trent had now drank 5 of 5 beers. He must’ve picked up on my discomfort and began telling me that for a guy of his height, weight and muscle mass, those beers have no impact on him, that he has a high metabolism and feels great. He said he knew I didn’t drink but that he hoped I trusted him when he said he knew his limits and that he was having such a good time with me. He began caressing my knee and assured me he would be good with water for the rest of the night. I’m relieved partially, but anxious of how the next hour will unfold.
During the intermission between the 2nd and final period, Matt decides that since Jenny is driving, he wants to take advantage of last call — he asks Trent if he wants any more — grazing his stomach and looking at me, Trent declines and says he’s had enough. Phew. Matt slaps him on the shoulder and climbs up the stairs. Jenny giggles and exclaims they haven’t had a date night in a year and are having a blast.
A few minutes later, Matt returns hysterically laughing… with four (4) beers in his hand. Oh no. We stand up to let him past and he pushes two of them in Trent’s hands. You have got to be kidding me. We sit down, and I peer underneath the seat, counting the collection of plastic cups Trent has acquired. 1…2…3…4…5… I look at him. He goes, “Trust me, Kaylee. I know my limits. Just relax.” 🚩
It’s at this moment I realize he is also texting some of his buddies on his phone, which I can clearly see. I see a friend text him, “How’s the date with the goodie two shoes going?” He replies, “Really good game. She is cute but taller than I thought. Letting loose. Ttyl.” 🥴
As he begins to chug the last two beers, my annoyance has increased. I ask to get up to use the bathroom. Once in there, I call my mom, telling her the date had a taken a turn on Drunk Avenue, and the beer count was now at 7. I told her that if he wouldn’t let me drive home, I’d need her to be ready to come get me. We came up with a game plan.
I have déjà vu, recollecting this isn’t the first time I’ve had to give myself a pep talk in the women’s bathroom before facing my date again.
Seven beers. Okay.
What am I going to do?
His BAC for sure is over .05.
Do you think they’ll notice if I just never come back?
Is this normal?
This is the last time I’m letting a guy pick me up, dangit.
I primp my hair, apply some lip gloss and head back to the party in Row 8.
Now, Trent is fully drunk by this point. In his credit, he is a very jolly drunk man. But, SEVEN BEERS down the hatchet, and he is loose as a goose. He is dancing. He is singing. He is hugging the mascot. He is flashing the cameraman his abs, trying to get onto the jumbotron. Matt asks to trade places with me so he can show Trent something on his phone. Gladly. I’m now sitting next to Jenny, who has sobered up and realizes how wild the guys had become. “Sorry, girl. Matt has no off switch. They’re going to regret this tomorrow. Matt took the day off for this reason!” At this point, I’m ready for the game to end, calculating my game plan to get home, annoyed that I, “goodie two shoes” had found myself with an incoherent date. Eventually the game ends. Eagles win 5-1. We pack up our things, say our goodbyes to Matt and Jenny and head for the car. Internally, I’m rehearsing how I’m going to tell him there’s no way I’ll let him drive me home. He is holding my hand, high fiving people in the parking lot as we’re walking to the car when I say:
Me: I think it’d be best if I drive us back.
Him: *laughs* Uhh, why?
Me: Because you had 7 beers and I don’t think you should drive.
Him: Oh, come on! I’m fine. Plus, no one has ever driven my Mercedes before.
Me: Well, I’ll find my own way back then, because I’m not comfortable getting in a car with you behind the wheel.
Him: *burps* Are you sure you know how to drive this car?
Me: Is it an airplane or a car? I’ll be fine.
Him: *hands over keys*
As we’re driving home, we’re quiet. He is chugging water bottles in his back seat. He looks over at me — “I am sorry. I know I said I respected you so much for not drinking, but this was the first night I really felt comfortable enough to let loose since I’ve moved here. I feel so comfortable around you and I like you a lot. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” I thanked him for apologizing and we continued with small talk for the next little while. About 10 minutes later I hear him giggling, I look over at him and ask what’s funny. He looks over at me and says, “I just think it’s funny you wanted to drive. Like, I’m letting you drive because I don’t want to be a jerk, but it’s quite ridiculous, honestly. You not thinking that I am capable of taking care of both of us. Do you for one minute think I would do anything to make you uncomfortable? It’s just funny to me, that’s all. 7 beers is nothing for me. You have to understand physiology and you just don’t know me well enough yet to know how I handle things.” Eye roll.
We pulled into my driveway, I get out of the driver’s seat, he gets out of the passenger seat and makes his way over to the other side. He switches back to apologetic Trent and again apologizes for making it awkward and said he didn’t want the night to end that way. He knelt down and pulled me into a hug, whispering through beer breath that he’d had such a good time and asked if he could see me again, kissing my forehead. I pulled back from him and he asked if I was upset. Reaching for the door, I said “You mentioned earlier that you only ever have one or two beers max with your buddies and you ended up having 7. I’m sure you can understand what sort of initial impression that leaves, especially on a first date and how that would make anyone uncomfortable to let you drive them around.”
He started laughing and replied, “I didn’t drink too much, you’re just being dramatic. This is so funny. You just wanted to drive my Mercedes, and that’s fine. I let you to appease you. I hope you enjoyed it. But I am a strong man and if you think I don’t have discretion, you’re wrong. I know my limits, Kaylee. You know nothing about what this body can handle.” *flexes arms*
Exasperated and ready to end the night, I turned around, told him to drive safe, and went inside. In typical post-date millennial fashion (and as part of my decompressing LOL), I decided to take another look at his Instagram. I then realized his dog had his own Instagram account as well, and within the dogstagram bio, it said: “I have the best parents I could ask for”, with his handle labeled as ‘Dog Dad’, with a sweet looking brunette tagged as the ‘Dog Mom’. Uhm, excuse me?!
Naturally, I clicked her name and realized that she was his girlfriend who lived in Texas. Yikes. There were pictures of them at the airport with her saying goodbye while he embarked on his new Colorado adventure, pictures of her visiting Denver two weeks before our date, right around the time we’d met. BLAH. No wonder he was so vague about his life back home, he still had active participants in his story there! 🤦🏻♀️
After I’d gone to bed, he’d texted me later that night to tell me he made it home safely, he thanked me for a great night and asked if he could make it up to me later that week… I’d seen the text message the next morning and didn’t reply. When I went to check Instagram again later that day, he blocked me and so did the goldendoodle.
I’m not sure what led up to that conclusion, maybe he felt guilty, maybe they were in an open relationship, I really don’t know. From what I can tell today, he and the Dog Mom are still dating. He moved back to the south and is still very much into body building. In summary, my initial convictions remain true – I’ll choose the content of someone’s character over their body fat content any day of the week. Though, the odds of finding a good guy these days feels as slim as his body fat percentage.
