matching to unmatch: a note on ghosting
ghosting (noun): the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been ghosted in the last handful of years, I would have a surplus of dollars. A plethora, if you will. I’ve been ghosted already this year, even. If you’re unfamiliar with ghosting, let me give you a little insight into what it’s like. Being ghosted is like driving with someone who suddenly and unexpectedly mashes the brakes and sends you smashing right into the dash. Ouch! You hardly ever see it coming and the impact and sting lingers long after the act. You can be dating someone, talking/texting daily, seeing them regularly, and then one day, even the same day you see them (!!!), silence. They leave you on read. They never reply. They vanish, never to be seen or heard from again. As if dating and building meaningful relationships wasn’t hard enough already, knowing that someone can abruptly drop off the face of the planet without even a hint of a warning, leaving you wondering what went wrong or what’s wrong with you adds fuel to an already vulnerable and delicate fire.
While ghosting is a modern-day term, I imagine this savage vanishing act has been around forever in varying mediums — perhaps one day someone in your life never replied to your letter… Maybe they never called you back or they stopped replying to your emails. Perhaps they made plans with you, down to the time and place and then stood you up. You talked to them that morning, and by the afternoon, POOF. Gone. For whatever reason (and it really can be ANY reason), they’ve disappeared. Modern day magic – except it’s not rabbits disappearing out of hats and it’s not dazzling. There’s no applause. The crowd doesn’t go wild. Quite honestly, it’s a hurtful and unusually cruel way to end a relationship with another living, breathing human.
In 2021, it’s easier than ever to go rogue and ghost someone. It’s the human version of CTRL+ALT+DELETE. Somewhere along the way, someone decided instead of having a temporarily difficult conversation and saying “Hey, this just isn’t working for me”, or “I met someone else”, or “I think it’s time that I move on”, or even, “I don’t like you anymore", it’d be exponentially quicker and easier to just disappear. We’ve got modern day Houdini’s on our hands. A few taps + clicks and voila! Number deleted. Social medias blocked. Unmatched on the dating app. It’s as if the relationship never happened, that you never existed. It’s almost as easy to remove yourself from someone’s life as it is to unsubscribe from an email list (probably easier, honestly).
As I write this, I don’t really have anything profound to say about ghosting other than I wish it didn’t happen and I’m sorry if it’s happened to you. While I’m not currently recovering from the aftermath of a ghost, I see people who are, and it makes me so sad! Last week I saw a post coining “Zombieing” as the new trend within ghosting, meaning someone ghosts you, only to ‘raise back from the dead’ several months later. NO. NO NO NO. And also, WHY?!!!
If we were getting coffee, talking about why this happens — I would venture to say it’s a result of our current society being full of options and unchecked FOMO (fear of missing out). I think our current society is falling prey to losing appreciation for what there’s unlimited access to. In a world of instant gratification, online dating apps, social media and lifetimes of knowledge and data at our fingertips — we have such instant access to things and to people. Bored with one app? Switch to another. Bored with this song? Turn it to the next. Bored with the person you’re talking to? Easy. Switch to another. This makes the dating scene an all-you-can-eat-buffet, where dates are plates and people can just drop them on the conveyor belt without a second thought. If you give a millennial an iPhone and an hour, they can usually discover so much about someone’s life simply by browsing the internet and doing a little digging. Information we used to be privy to only after investing time getting to know someone is now available instantaneously. This is great and revolutionary until it isn’t. It’s exciting to have that access until it becomes dehumanizing and diminishes the value of pursuing people the genuine way.
PSA: It’s a true honor and gift to get to know someone. EVEN IF they end up not being your cup of tea, it’s still an immense privilege to meet people and get to know them on a deeper level, even if just for a small while. And if you ask me, it’s wildly taken advantage of today.
Last year, I dated a guy for a couple of months and then I suddenly stopped hearing from him. When I reached out (because I was trying to not get ghosted), he said, “I guess I just feel like your mystery is gone.” Well, with all due respect, we aren’t Nancy Drew novels and most of us aren’t trying to play games and remain unsolved Rubik’s cubes. Being seen and known by people beyond the surface is a beautiful, life-giving thing. Keeping it surface level and sticking to generic convo to keep the relationship stimulating and mYsTeRiOuS has zero appeal and is of literally no benefit to those working to invest and engage in meaningful relationships. It’s always been my philosophy that we shouldn’t be running out of things to talk about with the right people (there’s literally infinite topics). But some people aren’t interested in the deep dive and the long game. And that’s okay – those type of people are usually the ghosts who want to be entertained. Hard pass.
In the words of Cheryl Strayed, “Romantic love is not a competitive sport. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.”
If you’re reading this and you’re known to ghost — I hope you change the narrative. When it feels easier to go completely MIA, I hope you’ll do the harder yet respectful work of being honest with people. I hope you’ll offer the courtesy of being considerate to the person sitting on the other end of the screen or across the table from you. Next time you think it’ll be easier to just delete someone out of your life, remember you’re not playing a video game and there’s a beating heart on the other end. Take the time to sever connections the right and compassionate way. Please don’t disregard people’s feelings because it means you’ve got to push through some vulnerable ones of your own. Ultimately, it comes down to wanting to leave people better than when we find them. Even if the relationship doesn’t ultimately work out, there’s still an opportunity to be magnanimous (adjective: generous, big-hearted, kind, noble, forgiving). Let’s be people known for having hard, honest, even awkward conversations… people who care for people and their hearts over our temporary comfort. In a world where ghosting is the new norm, I hope you’ll go against the grain. Don’t ghost people because it’s easier. Don’t be the proverbial version of a hit-and-run. Don’t leave people on read because that’s the easy way. Stay. Take the time to reply. Work it out. End on good terms. Don’t hurt someone intentionally. Don’t be the bull in the already delicate china shop, ok?
If you’re reading this and you know someone who is in the throes of healing from their own personal Casper – the best thing you can do is be there for them and encourage activities that’ll get them OFF their phones for a while. Ghosting is a new phenomenon, sure, but it’s really a subset of OG heartbreak and no matter how established the relationship was, it’s still a loss that needs to be processed as such. Get ‘em some fresh air and maybe a baked good and talk it out. It’s confusing and sad and hurtful and it helps to feel seen.
If you’re reading this and you’ve been ghosted (or you are in the throes of it now) – I know it stings. Give yourself a little time to process it, and then work hard to move on. Delete the conversations, don’t dissect every word trying to ID the invisible crack that ended things. Don’t try to find them. Just leave them be. It takes immense self-control to not go haywire and blast them, but it’s not worth it. Just do your own CTRL+ALT+DELETEing and carry on. Time will heal the fracture, and as the days pass, you’ll realize you deserve someone who isn’t into the heartless work of ghosting. As HARD AS IT IS, perhaps the most important thing to work on is not letting the fear of being ghosted again keep you from being fully present and open in new relationships. Proceed with caution, sure, but don’t let the ghosts haunt you more than they already have. 👻
I think we can unanimously agree that ghosting seriously sucks. We may never understand why people do it, (though it’s usually immaturity, a lack of integrity or insecurity to blame) and it’s infinitely better to just be honest. But for all the times it’s happened to me, and for all the times it’s happened to you or someone you know, I know this: it probably wasn’t because of anything you did or said. And for the time spent wondering what went wrong and wishing we knew how it could possibly be easier to fake your own death than to be up front, it’s truly not worth the ruminating. It’s hard, absolutely. And it hurts. But, let that ache only strengthen your resolve to be even more open and honest and kind to the people you encounter. Let that confirm your promise to yourself to never be the ghost to haunt someone else’s heart.
I’ll end with another gem from Cheryl -- “There are so many things to be tortured about, sweet pea. So many torturous things in this life. Don't let [someone who ghosts you] be one of them.” ♥️
